Begin Again
chaos, change and the big rebuild.
Recently, there have been a lot of significant shifts in my life. Alongside the life-altering experience of raising a child (7 months old now), I’ve also had to grapple with a shifting economic landscape that seems to squeeze every last drop out of us—even when salaries increase (cough, Cape Town), a new career direction and job, changes in my relationship, and revisiting my recovery journey.
There’s a lot to unpack here, which I’ll write about soon. I’ve always used this platform to write honestly about what’s going on in my life. Right now, I’m reckoning with my own flaws and shortcomings—moments where I haven’t been as honest as I could be, haven’t been the partner I want to be, and haven’t handled certain pressures well. It’s complex and layered, but I also have to take responsibility for my decisions.
I’m only human, and I know I’ll find a way to turn the corner and be better. Still, it’s been a tough couple of months—full of highs and lows, though mostly lows. What’s carried me through has been the beauty of my son and watching him grow. The motivation to be better shines through his beautiful big eyes and that all-too-familiar smile, which is quickly becoming a daily fixture.
Despite everything, I’m proud to say I’ve been there for him throughout—and that matters most to me. All I care about is being present, supporting him, and guiding him so he can avoid my mistakes. In many ways, he’s the reason I want to become a better version of myself.
He’s crawling everywhere now, becoming a fully formed, sentient little being. As a friend of mine with two daughters once said, “the moment they go from potato to walking, talking agent of chaos is something to behold—and something you should cherish for as long as possible.”
It’s these moments that give me the strength to get through the darker days. Another friend said to me recently, “discomfort is the price you pay for a fulfilling life.” Right now, my sense of fulfilment comes from the joy of our beautiful creation and the light he brings.
As I’ve been navigating these darker moments and grappling with life’s curveballs, that quote has stayed with me. It’s helped me take a hard look at myself in a way I hadn’t been able to for a long time.
I’ve realised that, in preparing for fatherhood last year, I stopped doing the work we all need to do on ourselves. As much as parenthood demands selflessness, you still have to keep yourself in check—especially when you know your own vulnerabilities.
I didn’t do that, and it affected both my recovery and my relationship. I became complacent, and I have to own that. Amid the self-loathing and shame that can come with relapse, you reach a point where you either sink further or decide to keep swimming.
What matters is how we pull ourselves out of the abyss.
My story is layered, and it’s still unfolding. For now, my focus is simple: get through each day, be present and keep building something meaningful—one day at a time. Watch this space.
That’s all for now. Thank you to those who continue to support my work and my journey—you know who you are.
music getting me through each day -
Pick Yourself Up- Nat King Cole
I Can- Nas
That’s Ok - Jonwayne
The Beginning of The End - Headache
Brilliant! Thank you.
Thanks for writing!